Mind-boggling

I do have pics, I just don't have the hours needed to blog about them. Or rather, I'm lazy =) Eventually, I'll just give the excuse that I enjoy putting all thoughts and events in words rather than expressing them in the ever astonishing attention-seeking media --- pictures.

Excuses condone excuses, a sentimental repetition procedure. I'm constantly imagining up a bunch of stories to assuage my own negative thoughts. As enlightenment, I'll call it optimistic, but its too much in excess. I'll soon feel terrible about it, in which then I realized being the way I am now won't help. The fact is that my imagined delusions will never materialize, and I'm all left to slump in the darkest corner of my mind, alone. But that's if I did nothing. And what's going to happen if I do something?

I'm leaving in four days time, or count it 3 days, as I'm left with only 3 full days to live my life with my Malaysia friends here, before my flight departs and I lose them to distance for four whole months. I know I'll regret, knowing that I did nothing despite my feeling towards her. My acts condemned my thoughts, but I wouldn't mind if doing the opposite will make her feel even slightly guilty or bad. Its all for her happiness (here we go again, my own philosophy).

I am very happy on my birthday, especially when attacked by a surprised party when I thought I'm going to be all alone =) Kin Fa calling me was laughable. I am grateful for everyone who wishes me Happy Birthday, particularly to Seng Yee, Kin Fa, and Jazline who celebrated with me at 12.30am (Wen Yueh who tried to help, LOL!!), as well as everyone who wished to celebrate my Birthday but couldn't do it or make it. Because honestly, its the thought that counts. This childish thinking always seems to work on me, polishing my mood and making me feel better. Later that day, we went Karaoke plus a bit of 'arcading', and Pooi Mun together with her cousin are there too, although Ah bo wasn't in.

It was the following day after that we went to Klang to eat Ba Kut Teh, and I sincerely appreciate Swee Ki for waking up early in the morning to drive us to eat Ba Kut Teh, despite feeling a bit sick (is it? forgot...) and having sorethroat as well. I felt like we didn't really give much of gratitude for her. Oh, for reader's sake, Ah Bo is in this time =) And that's our BREAKFAST. Right after that, we went to lowyat.

Its in lowyat that I haven't been myself again. My selfish thoughts consumed me, and all and all I wished to be with her. I have noticed a lot of cue since karaoke (or is it just by wishful thinking/illusions?), but I disregard it because she treats everyone the same (which is simply being optimistic), and I always seem to be able to conclude every reasonings if I take that she likes someone else (a bit TOO optimistic). Furthermore, a bit more of what I did, and I know it will be history again - a little bit of avoidance here and there, and then i'll probably do the same as well to cover it up. Lame. Sad. Oh well~~

It might occurs to someone that I'm a coward. Yes, I'm a coward, but not a coward to act. If I lay the foundation to human's fate & destiny, I would have every single courage in the world to do what I want. I'm just being fearful of repercussion, someone who thinks too much till confusion occurs, and in the end I picked the best act that I think could grant her satisfaction most, and without her the need of avoiding me. Its not being coward. Its call being self-indulgent, its call being thoughtful. People question why can't I see everything in a less complex manner. I question why they see it so simple. Though I do advice them to see everything in a more simple manner sometimes >__< argh~~

Honestly, I thought that I am in the life-advancement route, learning to become stronger, wiser, ultimately a better person. But as you can see, I'm not. My mind is all messed up, and everything I do has something up its sleeves. I hope I get to meet her again before I go back, in which the last possible date will be tomorrow. But I hinted that she will be busy preparing for her camp, which means its a no-no. I wanted to go for the camp so much, which if I did will be my first, but I have other plan on Sat. Depressing indeed.

P/S: This is a very unsatisfactory piece of writing, but the writer is thankful at least because it made him feel a bit better. The writer apologizes for the long post, and as ever again, its very sentimental. Thanks for reading, and do not feel guilty if you do not feel like posting comment after reading (Stare at Woan Wei xD).